Deep Breath

I've been feeling some pressure lately...and by lately, of course I mean the last ten and a half months. I have read book after book, guide after guide, website after website, and blog after blog trying to figure out what to do as a mom, what all my options are and trying to decide which one I actually want to do. Because as much as I enjoy work outside the house, I've kind of always felt that this is the most important job I'll have and I've hoped that this is the one that I'll be the best at.

So in all of my reading, all of talking to everyone (even the formula companies agree) that breastfeeding is the way to go and that it has tons of benefits for babies. All of my plans included this for the first nine months to a year of Leroy's life.

But.

In the hospital I wasn't really producing milk yet, which was still normal. I discovered that I have flat nipples (over-share much? Oops), apparently really flat nipples so Leroy couldn't latch on. I tried nipple shields of various sizes and Leroy hated them. Really hated them. So I went to pumping. I started off every 3 hours, pumping when baby ate, and that started to (slowly at first, then increasingly so) disintegrate my nipples. To be honest the pain was ridiculous. Jason was constantly trying to talk me out of continuing, but I didn't want to stop. We went to see the lactation consultant at the pediatrician's office. A few times. I had to slow down the pumping to 3 times a day at first so I could heal (who knew-bleeding nipples, not so fun). I'm at 4 times a day now, but when I try to do it more often, the pain starts to come back again. I'm taking the same prenatal vitamins, as well as blessed thistle and fenugreek to try to increase my milk supply, but it seems like I'm drying up anyway. I'm only getting 1 or 1.5 ounces each time I pump, which definitely does NOT even start to make a dent in the amount of milk Leroy drinks in a day.

All this pain, all this effort, all of these hours of my life and it's just going nowhere. I'm failing. And it seems like nothing that I do is making a difference. And I know this just makes me spoiled, but I've never really failed at anything that I've tried really hard at. Definitely not this hard. I'm drying up and I don't know what to do.

It seems like that is the second question that anyone asks too. 1) how old is he? 2) are you breastfeeding? And these are strangers! Jason and I have just started lying because it's easier.

I just don't want to accept defeat. Once Jason is at home again we're going to try to get Leroy to latch on again, but I really don't know how much longer I can try. If you can't tell, what I'm saying is that I'm frustrated and disappointed. And I feel like I should be doing better for Leroy.