And on a lighter note

I will start this by saying that I have an iPhone, and it's great, I really like it. I also have an iPad that I got at my office baby shower and I'm totally loving that too-hey, I'm using it right now. But I hate those new iPhone commercials.

"if you don't have an iPhone, then you don't have an iPhone"

SO pretentious. Dear Apple: this is why people are so annoyed by you. Because you're so pretentious. I can't wait for this ad campaign to be over...

Deep Breath

I've been feeling some pressure lately...and by lately, of course I mean the last ten and a half months. I have read book after book, guide after guide, website after website, and blog after blog trying to figure out what to do as a mom, what all my options are and trying to decide which one I actually want to do. Because as much as I enjoy work outside the house, I've kind of always felt that this is the most important job I'll have and I've hoped that this is the one that I'll be the best at.

So in all of my reading, all of talking to everyone (even the formula companies agree) that breastfeeding is the way to go and that it has tons of benefits for babies. All of my plans included this for the first nine months to a year of Leroy's life.

But.

In the hospital I wasn't really producing milk yet, which was still normal. I discovered that I have flat nipples (over-share much? Oops), apparently really flat nipples so Leroy couldn't latch on. I tried nipple shields of various sizes and Leroy hated them. Really hated them. So I went to pumping. I started off every 3 hours, pumping when baby ate, and that started to (slowly at first, then increasingly so) disintegrate my nipples. To be honest the pain was ridiculous. Jason was constantly trying to talk me out of continuing, but I didn't want to stop. We went to see the lactation consultant at the pediatrician's office. A few times. I had to slow down the pumping to 3 times a day at first so I could heal (who knew-bleeding nipples, not so fun). I'm at 4 times a day now, but when I try to do it more often, the pain starts to come back again. I'm taking the same prenatal vitamins, as well as blessed thistle and fenugreek to try to increase my milk supply, but it seems like I'm drying up anyway. I'm only getting 1 or 1.5 ounces each time I pump, which definitely does NOT even start to make a dent in the amount of milk Leroy drinks in a day.

All this pain, all this effort, all of these hours of my life and it's just going nowhere. I'm failing. And it seems like nothing that I do is making a difference. And I know this just makes me spoiled, but I've never really failed at anything that I've tried really hard at. Definitely not this hard. I'm drying up and I don't know what to do.

It seems like that is the second question that anyone asks too. 1) how old is he? 2) are you breastfeeding? And these are strangers! Jason and I have just started lying because it's easier.

I just don't want to accept defeat. Once Jason is at home again we're going to try to get Leroy to latch on again, but I really don't know how much longer I can try. If you can't tell, what I'm saying is that I'm frustrated and disappointed. And I feel like I should be doing better for Leroy.

...and let's see how this goes

Today is my second day at home alone with baby Leroy. Jason is on his second day of a 48 hour shift, which means tonight will be my 3rd straight night of solo baby feedings...3rd night in a stretch of 7, since this 48 hour shift is at the beginning of a new segment (Jason usually works 24 hours at a time, every other day for 3 shifts, then gets 4 days off). So, since he has to wake up all night, potentially, at work, I take the nights before he goes into work as well, which totally makes sense when you think about it, but is perhaps kind of crazy in practice...who knows, it's going ok so far, but I guess we'll have to chat again come night 6 or 7.

Additionally, I'm trying really hard not to be a baby hermit, where I just stay in the house for days on end. Today we went to Target, and visited Jason at work, since his station is only a couple of miles away from the house. However, some days it is just too much of a chore to get everything together to leave.

Way More Effective Than Any Alarm

Ok, so I realized that I would be changing a lot of diapers for baby Leroy. I even knew to watch out for pee (those boys are sneaky), and I've done a pretty good job of it so far-Jason is the one who usually gets peed on to tell you the truth, but I did not realize that I was in store for this.

So I'm changing the baby, slightly groggy since it's 4:30 in the morning, and I clean him off, grab his new diaper and adjust about to slide it under him when there is a loud noise cming from the table and, what's this? My hand is now covered in hot goop (and not the kind Gweneth is talking about). OH MY GOD IT'S PROJECTILE POOP. Because it was not just poop. None got on the changing table even though that's where his little butt was, it's all over my hand and arm instead. And for those of you blessedly not familiar, it is oddly sticky. And leaves a sticky residue even after I've done a surgeon-style scrub up to my elbows.so that was my awesome wake up call this morning...

One Month Down, One Million To Go...

Well, no posts for a while, but I think I have a pretty good excuse :). Now that I have officially been a mom for a month, I am really loving it, but there have definitely been some hard times as well. First, Leroy is adorable and such a good baby. He's not very fussy and is a pretty good sleeper (most of the time), even though that means that he sleeps for 3-4 hours at a time, so we still need to get up a few times in the middle of the night...and that is not that easy. But, he has big blue eyes that melt my little heart when he stares up at me.

He loves going for walks with me, either in him moby wrap (which is awesome) or in his stroller (we got a BOB, that we also love-super easy to steer and much less bumpy than other strollers), and I'm liking the walks too, it really helps to leave the house, and I'm sure the activity isn't hurting the pounds that are still waiting to come off. It also doesn't hurt that because I'm in LA, it's about 75 degrees outside.

We've had some issue with latching on during breastfeeding, so I've been pumping and giving him breast milk that way, which is kind of a bummer, but he seems happy and healthy, so how bad can it be?

Last Day

Today is my last day of work.  Very crazy, it doesn’t seem any different than any other day yet.  I suppose it will start to sink in when I don’t wake up to go to work on Monday or Tuesday (etc), but it really does just seem like a normal Friday. 

But I am SICK.  AGAIN.  Apparently Jason did not get my sickness, he got some other sickness that he then passed on to me while I was taking care of him.  I suppose that is the difference.  If this was just another Friday and not my LAST FRIDAY, there is no way I would have come into work today because I feel like poo.  I will definitely be embarking on a lovely weekend-full of nada, just rest and emergen-C and TV.

I also had my last ultrasound appointment yesterday (nothing was wrong, just checking up on how big he is).  I really thought that I would get to see really good pictures of him since he’s so developed now, but I was wrong.  He’s actually so big now that they can’t get a good shot of him at all because they can’t get enough of him in the picture.  There may have been a good shot of his face possible, but he’s facing backwards (which is actually good for the birth, but come on baby, where are the picture posing skills?).  I guess I’ll take a bad pose for a better position for labor…

Still pending on that though (the labor, that is).  No contractions or even fake contractions (Braxton Hicks) yet…

Final Countdown...

So today starts the official countdown of my last week of work before baby time—super crazy, only 5 days left.  I don’t quite know what I’m going to do with myself at home, because since the last post we have awesome new appliances, a functioning kitchen that I used this weekend to make cheesecake bars and lemon bars for a super bowl party, I’ve installed the car seat base in my car, and the house is actually pretty clean right now…that doesn’t mean that I’m actually READY ready, but superficially ready anyway.

Not that that remotely affected my ability to sleep from 3:45-5:30 this morning.  So I’m super alert and chipper right now.  Luckily, this week is half days only, so I only need to make it till around noon (actually a little before since I start work at 7), so I can go home and take care of sick Jason at home.  He is currently completely wiped out on the couch, having taken his second round (since last night) of NyQuil, and I left him this morning set up with peanut butter & jelly toast, water, emergen-C, all the remotes, a movie playing, my iPad (since I downloaded fake Risk for him to play), and his laptop.  So I feel like he should be set for a few hours.  To be honest I don’t know how he isn’t going to be dead to the world until I get back home since he took NyQuil, I mean, I realize that he is much bigger than me, but whenever I’ve taken NyQuil, it knocks me out cold for hours and hours.